New candidate for ugliest car ever...

[Stuart Thomson]

Hi All,

On the way home tonight I spotted what I can only describe as a new candidate for UCE. 

I thought the old Ford "jellymould" Taurus was undoubtedly the UCE, the French try really hard, but usually there's something that enamours you to the styling, they aren't ugly from all angles.

I glanced into the lane next to me and immediately felt nauseous, the bile was starting to burble up my throat, strange, I thought, this normally happens on the way TO work.  Then I saw what my mind was obviously trying to conceal from me.  It was a Nissan (not a good start), small SUV (getting worse, it's also useless at anything), in red metallic (not a bad colour), Joke Juke.

Here's what the Nissan website has to say about the Joke Juke.

All-new Nissan JUKE. Serious fun.

The eye-catching Nissan JUKE is a compact sports crossover, with an attitude to match its unique urban styling. Its distinctive design, high ride visibility and funky interior set it aside from the pack and put you in control. Packed with personality inside and out, the JUKE is ready to point and shoot for some fun to your everyday driving. If you've been searching for a one-of-a-kind car that's one out of the box, the all-new Nissan JUKE is the one you've been waiting for.

So a translation is in order "unique urban styling" means it's as ugly as sin, it will provoke people in cars around you to vomit.  People will crash their cars trying to avert their vision from the sight of this hideous monster.  People may crash their cars into as their mind may blank their vision, their mind may not "see" it, it is so horrific.  Small children will run away from it in fear, adults will quiver uncontrollably at the merest glance.

"high ride visibility and funky interior set it aside from the pack" means that not only is it vulgar, we've jacked it up so that everyone can now see that vision impaired people can drive, no, that's unfair on the vision impaired, even someone with no vision at all would be able to sense that this vehicle is hideous.  Perhaps it's a warning that someone who has no taste at all is driving a vehicle, also they'll be trying to hold onto their lunch because Nissan have designed a "funky interior" as well, luckily I couldn't see the inside of the vehicle, but it's on their website, see for yourself (if you dare).  The "pack" must be everything that is nice and good about cars, this car is so far removed from that as to be in a different galaxy.

"Packed with personality inside and out, the JUKE is ready to point and shoot for some fun to your everyday driving".  One can only hope the first thing they pointed this thing at and shot was the design team.  I know some people enjoy torture, but how can you possibly have "fun in your everyday driving" whilst being trapped in a, now vomit covered (perhaps that's what they mean by "funky" interior), high-rise piece of hell on wheels?

"If you've been searching for a one-of-a-kind car that's one out of the box, the all-new Nissan JUKE is the one you've been waiting for." means that we really can't tell you how bad this thing looks, but rest assured you'll be one of very few people to ever own one, so if you want something that people will talk about, this is the car for you...  As long as you have a strong stomach or a bulimic condition.

Here's some pics, please be careful and try not to study them too long...

Cheers
Stu

[poohbah]

Haha, truly hideous - and I can attest it is even worse in the flesh. But I still think the SsangYong Stavic could give it a run for its money.

In its defence I guess you could say that at least its not anonymous, like some of the dross coming from some manufacturers these days.

[extraball]

I loathe SUV's enough, now they are inbreeding them! lol

[Davidm1600]

I nearly choked on my morning Lavazza, thanks Stu I really needed to see this horrid pretence of design individualism, not.

Hmn me thinks the designers need to go back to school, or be sacked for such incompetence. 

[GTV-074]

An Industrial Design students final year project !

Certainly does nothing for me....

[kartone]

 

[kartone]

 

[mariogtv]

They should have called it the JOKE

[poohbah]

Nissan appear to have simply followed the design theme of that all time masterpiece of automotive excrement, the great Pontiac Aztec. (I would add that the Jeep Compass, also rates a mention)

[extraball]

that's cute!

[poohbah]

More I think about it, the more I think the Juke is just a jacked up modern version of the old Austin 1800 (or Kimberley)

[Neil Choi]

Now now, one must have to admire.  The JOKE, sorry JUKE, does have the endeared hidden rear door handles we all love so much.


Isn't there a thing called the CUBE!!!!!!!!!!!


Anyway, well spotted.


So Homer Simpson's own car design isn't too bad then.

[Davidm1600]

I am going to have to admit a soft spot for the original Multipla (my brother has a couple of them), the modern version though was pretty ugly for sure.  As for the Austin 1800 (Landcrab), we had a Mk2 (auto version) back in '69 as our family car and while it was a complete slug, it was incredibly comfortable and well built.  Well ours was.  I kind of liked it. 

As for the cube, yes well, hmn not a great stylistic effort I would suggest.

[Stuart Thomson]

Nissan appear to have simply followed the design theme of that all time masterpiece of automotive excrement, the great Pontiac Aztec. (I would add that the Jeep Compass, also rates a mention)

Ahh, but the Aztec is now a cult classic because it appears in Breaking Bad (quite a lot).  Whilst the Compass, Multipa etc aren't pretty, they don't assault the optic nerve as badly as the JUKE.  I mean, they look bad in pictures, but in the metal/plastic they are truly disgusting.

Again the Cube has some appealing features, at least if you were moving house it would be easy to pack all the boxes into it.

I'm more and more convinced that this was a practical joke gone wrong.  I can just see the design team sitting around trying to nut something out, when one of them starts drawing this thing, they get carried away with it and try to design something particularly vulgar to present at the next meeting, they even call it the JOKE, but someone translates this badly, it comes out as JUKE, the senior design bloke is a huge John Wayne fan (but with really poor English skills), he's just returned from a lengthy lunch when this is presented.  In his currently inebriated state he can't actually see that this thing has been hit with the ugly stick several times over, but suddenly feels an urge to vomit profusely.  Blaming this on the copious quantities of Sake or a bad bit of Sushi at lunch he just signs off on it so he can visit the executive bathroom and expurgate his last meal.  The design team can't believe what just happened, but they had better start building these things, so off it goes to production... in England, yep the Poms make these things, it just gets worse doesn't it.

To quote Clarkson "I'd rather walk"

Cheers
Stu

[colcol]

None of you have mentioned 'Australia's Own' AU Falcon, an early model, with the jacked up suspension, with the back suspension visible, cause the bumper was too high, a base model 'Forte' with a fan grille, with the big googly eyes headlights and the 'sad' looking rear end, at least Ford were trying to gainfully employ Stevie Wonder.
I saw a Juke tonight, they are truly hideous from the front, like 2 cars sqaushed together.
The modern Fiat Multipla, was that a people mover based on a Alfa 156 / Fiat Bravo - Brava / Lancia Libra?, Colin.