Its an absolute joke.

[Jekyll and Hyde]

2 of my favourites:

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar and the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I had to go to the pub next door to see if I could do it first."





An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition, and from then on, every week the man came in and ordered three beers at a time.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.  The bar fell silent, and no-one knew quite what to say.

After a little while the bartender worked up his courage and said to him, "I'm very sorry for your loss."

"What do ye mean?"  The man asked.

"Well, you only have two beers going...."  The bartender replied.

The man said, "Aye - I've quit drinking!"

[1750GT]

An embarassed 18 yr old goes into a chemist to buy some condoms. It happens the girl behind the counter is a fifteen year old trainee.

He goes up to the counter embarrased at having to ask the 15 yr old. He starts, can I have some k..k..k..k..some tweesers, pays for them and walks out.

As he really needs the condoms, he goes back in. He starts, can I have some k..k..k...butter menthols, pays for them and walks out.

As he really really needs the condoms, he goes back in. He starts, can I have some k..k..k.. condoms. The young lady replies, certainly, small, medium, large, eadible, large dolop etc. etc. He selects his condoms, pays for them and leaves.

The Owner, watching from the back, goes to his yound sales lady and says..Rhonda, you know I noticed that that gentlemen came in three times and purchased product before he was happy and left, you know you must learn to sell everything a customer wants in one go otherwise its in-efficient for customers to come in a number of times.

The Owner says, now why do you think he had to come in three times and how do you think you can improve so you can serve customers once?...The 15 yr old girl thinks about it and says "You know what, I don't think this one was my fault, because from what he bought, he came in three times because he was un-decided, he didn't know whether he wanted to "pluck it", "suck it" or "f#&k it"!

[Andrew Bose]

I couldn't resist adding this one:

> Confessions of a hooker
>
> A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth 
> wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a 
> special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.
>
> Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.
>
> The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes 
> and says,   'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I 
> cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a 
> few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
>
> She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I 
> played rugby for New Zealand. . ....

[alfagtv58]

With thanks to Col from the VRA 

His and Hers Diary
________________________________________
HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










HIS DIARY

My Race car wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[alfagtv58]

Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'No!'

And the bloke lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and to the footy with his mates and played golf a lot and drank beer and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[MD]

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends.

Thank God, I still have my driver's license.

[Paul Newby]

Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'No!'

And the bloke lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and to the footy with his mates and played golf a lot and drank beer and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Phil, what about the bit about "mucking around with old Alfas...."

[MD]

I wouldn't bitch about getting my new mags stollen. Check out what happened to this guy..

[ProvaRacing]

I too was distracted by Bingle in the shower! 



PS Before anyone gets "offended" look before you speak...save you both embarrassing yourselves again.

[pep105]

Man and wife are shopping
Man sticks 12 VB cans in the trolley
Wife 'What do u think your doing?'
Man 'They're on special $ 10 for 12 cans'
Wife 'Put them back. We cant afford it!'

They carry on shopping
Few aisles later, wife picks up $20 jar of face cream, and sticks it in the trolley
Man 'What do you think your doing???'
Wife 'It's face cream, it makes me look beautiful.'
Man 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF VB AND ITS HALF THE FUCKING PRICE!' 

[alfagtv100 (Biggus)]

I went to the zoo and the only animal they had was a dog.  It was a Shitzu.

[MD]

Really, I was pi..ssed off when I lost the pub quiz by just one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"

Apparently it's Africa . 

[NigelC]

Wife says to husband;
"shall I slip into something more comfortable to make you smile"

husband replies
"how about a coma"

[Victor Lee]

With thanks to Heather Barbieri ...

[zingero]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.   The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."   "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. 

"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.   "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman says, not believing what he is hearing.   "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent.  "Quattro means four.   You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".   The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come".  "He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".