Bad Joke Thread

[Anthony Miller]

This thread must be what the "Report to Moderator" button is for  

Finger hovering...

Hover no more.... I thought this was a "Bad Joke Thread" not a RACIST joke thread

[Davidm1600]

There was this black and white horse going for walk along a hot dusty road, he was dry as a bark hut.  When he came across this pub, so decided to go in for a drink.

Upon sitting down at the bar (yeah right of course he could), the bartender asked him "what il be mate".

The horse replied, "whisky".  The bartender says 'sure thing, what sort of whisky would you like?"

The horse replies "dunno, what sort have you got?"  

The Bartender says "we've got all sorts, I mean Johhny Walker red label, black label, Chivas Regal, Dewars,...hell mate we've even got one named after you !"

The horse replies......(wait for it).........."what Trevor ?"

[Neil Choi]

A guy got lucky the night before but came home with a ring around his dick.

He goes to the doctor and complains that there is a ring around his dick.

Doctor examines thoroughly and goes to the cabinet and gives him a lotion and tells him to rub the lotion on for 5 mins tonight.

The man comes back the next day and tells the doctor it is all cured and ask what the magic lotion was.

Doctor replies "lipstick remover"

PS I love the breef and brack bean joke, I tell it to my friends, you should see the reaction, if you know me........

[Beatle]

What's brown and sticky?
V
V
V
V
V
V

A stick.................

[pep105]

>> A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy
>dress
>> party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
>> so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
>>
>> A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please
>find
>> enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your
>bald
>> head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
>>
>> The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his
>> wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week
>> passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir,
>> Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's
>habit.
>> The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you
>> will really look the part".
>>
>> Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his
>> wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a
>REALLY
>> rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a
>> note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.
>> Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg
>up
>> your arse and go as a toffee apple."

[pep105]

It just gets worse doesn't it............



      A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong.

      The ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and
      Deirdre.

      They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
      couple of years,
      doing what's natural for men and women to do.

      After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt
      absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.

      She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she
      killed herself.

      It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it
      and,
      after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

      Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel
        absolutely horrible about what they were doing...

      > >......................

      > >

     
    

  

      > >.............so they buried her.

[david sammartino]

Confidential reports show that the best fast food employees are muslim women. McDonald's agree but Hungry Jacks goes further stating "The bur qua's are better at Hungry Jacks".

[MD]

Let's face it, these jokes aren't going to get any better and here's some more certified bad jokes to prove it:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of
the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."


A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove
that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.

If you are finding yourself actually amused by these jokes, you need more help than you realised. 

[Neil Choi]

iPhone etiquette 101

An iPhone is like a penis.

It is okay to play with it in private but don't pull it out in public.

[AikenDrum105]

What did St Patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of Ireland ?


"You ok back there mates ? "

[MD]

CONFUCIUS DIDN"T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

[MD]

Dickheads you meet..

[McAnnik]

 Oh my gawd!  Hope this thread doesn't go on as long as "Evan's barn find"!!!

[1750GT]

>MD confucious did say:

>> "Man who wake up with solution on hand not necessarily have answer"

> Why do blonds drive BMW's?
>> Answer: Its the only car they can spell!

> Why do New Zealand Farmers wear track pants?
>> Answer: If they wear trousers the sheep might hear the zip!

> Why do New Zealand farmers take sheep to the edge of cliffs?
>> Answer: They push harder

> What does Steve Wonders mum do to him when he upsets her?
>> Puts hundreds and thousnads in his breal book!

> Have you seen Steve Wonders new grand piano?
>> No. well neithers he!

OK thats enough of the bad jokes for now

[MD]

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient...


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.


I hope this answers your inquiry