Bad Joke Thread

[pancho]

A couple of guys are watching a 2 person basketball shoot out and girl walks over to check the action out.

Random gal - "hey, who are those mexican guys that are playing ?"

Response - "Oh seniorita - that's Juan on Juan"

[Cool Jesus]

What did te mexican firemen call his two twin boys?


Jose (hose a) and Josbee (hose b)

[Luna Rossa]

This thread must be what the "Report to Moderator" button is for 

Keep smiling 

[Duk]

How do you sell a deaf man a duck?



"DO YOU WANT TO BUY A DUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

[Evan Bottcher]

This thread must be what the "Report to Moderator" button is for 

Finger hovering...

[L4OMEO]

A bad joke thread and MD hasn't shown up yet? Whoda thunk? 

BTW MD - someone pointed you out as I was leaving the recent AROCA event; sorry, didn't realise that was you. Will come and introduce myself next time.

[MD]

Well Rory if you insist...

Chinese  Sex
>>>
>>> While  in China, an American man is very sexually  promiscuous and does not
>>> use a condom the entire  time he is there.
>>>
>>> A week after arriving  back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
>>> find his penis covered with bright green and  purple spots.
>>>
>>> Horrified, he immediately  goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
>>> seen anything like this before, orders some  tests and tells the man to
>>> return in two days  for the results.
>>>
>>> The man returns a  couple of days later and the doctor says, I've  got bad
>>> news for you, you've contracted  Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
>>> unheard  of here in the US, we know very little about it.
>>>
>>> The man looks a little perplexed and  says, Well, give me a shot or
>>> something and fix  me up, Doc.
>>>
>>> The doctor answers, I'm  sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
>>> to amputate your penis.
>>>
>>> The man  screams in horror, Absolutely not! I want a  second opinion!!!
>>>
>>> The doctor replies,  Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want  but
>>> surgery is your only option.
>>>
>>> The  next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,  figuring that he'll
>>> know more about the disease.
>>>
>>> The Chinese doctor examines his penis  and proclaims, Ah, yes, Mongolian
>>> VD. Vewy ware  disease.
>>>
>>> The guy says to the doctor,  Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
>>> we  do? My American doctor wants to cut off my  penis!
>>>
>>> The Chinese doctor shakes his  head and laughs. Stupid American docttah,
>>> always  want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need  amputate!
>>>
>>> Oh, thank God! the man  exclaims.
>>>
>>> Yes , says the Chinese doctor.  Wait two week. Faw off by itself!

[Joe Garra]

Why did the scarecrow win an award?



Because, he was outstanding in his field!

[wankski]

oooh me me!! 

so i was shooting blanks into the missus and we couldn't conceive... needed to get meself checked out... so went into the docs.. needed a sample...

gave me  a small container with a funky lid and showed me to a small room w/ a dirty mag...

locked myself in and got to business...

minutes pass... nuthin'...

doc knocks on the door "everything alright in there??"

"yeah" i says "its just that...
i tried my left hand....
i tried my right...
i tried running it under cold water, then hot...
... even tried hitting it against the sink....







"can't get the bloody jar open."


haawww!

[L4OMEO]

Well Rory if you insist...

Chinese  Sex
>>>
>>> While  in China, an American man is very sexually  promiscuous and does not
>>> use a condom the entire  time he is there.
>>>
>>> A week after arriving  back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
>>> find his penis covered with bright green and  purple spots.
>>>
>>> Horrified, he immediately  goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
>>> seen anything like this before, orders some  tests and tells the man to
>>> return in two days  for the results.
>>>
>>> The man returns a  couple of days later and the doctor says, I've  got bad
>>> news for you, you've contracted  Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
>>> unheard  of here in the US, we know very little about it.
>>>
>>> The man looks a little perplexed and  says, Well, give me a shot or
>>> something and fix  me up, Doc.
>>>
>>> The doctor answers, I'm  sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
>>> to amputate your penis.
>>>
>>> The man  screams in horror, Absolutely not! I want a  second opinion!!!
>>>
>>> The doctor replies,  Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want  but
>>> surgery is your only option.
>>>
>>> The  next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,  figuring that he'll
>>> know more about the disease.
>>>
>>> The Chinese doctor examines his penis  and proclaims, Ah, yes, Mongolian
>>> VD. Vewy ware  disease.
>>>
>>> The guy says to the doctor,  Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
>>> we  do? My American doctor wants to cut off my  penis!
>>>
>>> The Chinese doctor shakes his  head and laughs. Stupid American docttah,
>>> always  want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need  amputate!
>>>
>>> Oh, thank God! the man  exclaims.
>>>
>>> Yes , says the Chinese doctor.  Wait two week. Faw off by itself!

Me and my big mouth. 

And since I'm off to China next week I'll take this as an omen ...

[pep105]

Here's some more Chinese Jokes for you......

Chinese couple get married and  she's a virgin. On the wedding  night,
she cowers  naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He
climbs in
next to her and tries to be  reassuring  "My darring", he says, "I know
dis your  firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you
anytin you want, I do anytin, jus anytin you
want  - you say. What you want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and  eagerly) for
her request. "I want.......... numma 69",  she eventually replies.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a  puzzled
tone he  queries...........  
 

"You want........ beef with brack bean sauce?"

[pep105]

> A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so
> he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to
> watch and report any activities while he was gone.
> A few days later, he received this report:

> MOST HONORABLE SIR:
> YOU LEAVE HOUSE
> I WATCH HOUSE
> HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
> HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
> HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
> I LOOK IN WINDOW.
> HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
> HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
> HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
> I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
> I NOT SEE.
> NO FEE,
> CHEN LEE.
>

[AikenDrum105]

So there's this Gorilla,  he's a carpenter in the Jungle.   One day he's walking home from a job and realises his four-point tool isn't in his toolbag,  must have dropped out along the way.    'My wife will kill me for losing another one !,' he thinks -  so he trudges back the way he's come looking in the undergrowth,   when he comes across a couple of monkeys playing in the trees.. 'Hey there monkeys !   It's me, uncle Gorilla - listen,  you can't see my four-point tool from up there anywhere can you ?   'Ook Ook - Nope ! can't see any tool anywhere !'
Gorilla walks on,   and comes across an elephant thundering by. 'Hey Elephant, ' he shouts, ' have you seen my four-point tool anywhere ?!'    'Nope - haven't seen anyone, or anything - keep to myself, me...'   

The Gorilla runs into a number of other animals - depending on how much time you have at the pub you can include them if you like.  Imagine I did, and now be grateful that I didn't...

Gorilla sighs, wondering how he's going to explain this when he gets home,  when he enters a clearing and suddenly the clouds cover the sun, the birds and crickets in the trees cease their racket and a chill runs up his spine. He turns and spies two yellow eyes following him from the undergrowth and a Jaguar,  sleek and black as night pads out to look him over... 

' Uh,,  hi there Jaguar,  uh,  it's me..  Gorilla the Carpenter.... ,'  he figures he might not be long for this world and decides to chance his arm, ' listen,  you haven't seen my four-point tool have you ?' 

The Jaguar replies in somber tones, 'Actually... I have...'

Delighted, Gorilla asks, 'That's fantastic !   Where is it ?!'

'I ate it, ' comes the reply.       Gorilla is gobsmacked, 'You ate it ?!?  But why ?!'


'I'm a four-point tool eater Jaguar.....'   

[pancho]

God - these jokes are REALLY REALLY BAD. Crikey Scott - you're the leader mate.

[AikenDrum105]

Yeah, it's pretty horrific,  I know....